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Jokes

Some pipesmoking biggotCrazy isn't it? We had many great comedians in the past such as Dave Allen, Bernard Manning and Roy Chubby Brown. Now, thanks to Tony Blair we now live in a country obsessed by political correctness gone mad. Nobody can have a laugh or joke anymore without being called a racist. How utterly pathetic! Comedians have always pushed the boundries, that's what comedy is about you stupid people ! It certainly does not mean the individual telling the joke is a racist. If you find these jokes offensive or racist, all I can say is you are probably a touchy feely liberal lefty who has probably lost the plot, and a very sad and miserable individual.

Here in England we don't seem to have any stand up comedy anymore because of this damn political correctness thanks to this stupid government. Just today, as I write this Roy Chubby Brown was banned from attending his usual comedy act on council premises, because the council are running scared it will offend some people. However, he has happily been doing his live commedy act for 20 years in which he has never had a single complaint. If these miserable as*holes do not like his comedy, then don't go to see his show !

Right, now I have got that anger out of my system, onto the jokes. These are courtesy of some wonderful cider drinking / pipe smoking commedian we have here in the west of England... no not him on the left most of the screen! That picture is of the webmaster attempting his Mr Cool 1940's pose for the cameras. Anyhow, just thank some chap called Jethro for these belly splitting delights..


A man was coming home a month ago from Wales and he stopped off on the severn bridge for a piddle. He was just standing on the bridge pissing into the river severn looking towards Glouster and the biggest black feller comes along he has ever seen, and he thinks christ, I never saw him coming. The black guy says to the white man "I'm very sorry to bother you, but is this the toilet? The white man replied pointing to the river severn, "Well I certainly haven't done all of that".

The black guy continued to ask "Do you think anyone else would notice if I had a piddle?"

The white man replied "It's nothing to do with me it's not my river and not even my bridge, I'm just pissing here".

By this time, the black man is having a piss as well, but what is worrying the white man, is he can only hear one lot landing. The white man thinks to himself "he either has a very long hose, or a very fine spray". So the white man decides to test this bugger out, so he says to the black guy "That, water is cold on the end of your john thomas isn't it?". The black guy replied "I am quite surprised how deep it is!"

The white man then asks the black guy "How do you get one that long anyway!?". He replied "When us black boys are born, mother ties a weight on the end and make us dance and that's what makes it so long".

The white man is fascinated by this idea, and thinks to himself "I'm gonna try that!", and for three weeks there was the white man with a three inch concrete block tied to the end. Three weeks later the white man says to himself "I think it's working - he's gone black".


A man went to see the doctor in the hospital the other other day and his uncle is also in their waiting to be seen. The man is shortly attended to by a nurse with an oxygen mask on and he says to her "Are my testicles black?" She replied "I beg your pardon". The man then said again in a louder voice "Are my testicles black?" She said, "Well I don't know, but I'll have a look". So the man gets his knackers out and the female nurse inspects them...

The female nurse replies, "They don't look black to me". The man then asks the nurse to get the doctor. The doctor arrives and the nurse says to the doctor "This man is adament his testicles are black what do you think?".

The male doctor then says to the patient, well get them out and I'll have a look at them for you. The man gets his knackers out a second time and the doctor inspects them and says to the patient, "Well, they don't look black to me". The doctor then suggests to the patient "Well just to be sure, let's get a third opinion. Look, their's a woman walking down the street, let's ask her to be an unbiased judge to assess if your testicles are black or not".

The doctor approaches the woman walking down the street and asks her to be an unbiased judge as to if this man's testicles are black or not. She replies "Well, they look black all over to me. The doctor then says, "Well you have got your sunglasses on". The woman then removes her sunglasses and then says, "No his testicles don't look black to me".

The three people including the doctor, the nurse and the woman on the street come to the conclusion the patients testicles are not black. The doctor removes his mask and says to the patient "Three of us agree your testicles are not black". The patient replies to the doctor "I did not say that, I said "ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK ?"


The country has well and truly gone to b*llocks. We once had a empire and it was led by an emperor then we had a kingdom which was led by a king. Now we have a country.


A man came home after work and said to his wife, "I got some new olympic condoms they come in the following colours: gold, silver or bronze". His wife replied "How about using the silver and coming second for a change?"


An old age pensioner and his elderly friend were in the pub. He gets out his packet of Viagra tablets, and says to his mate, "You got to try this Viagra, it'll make you feel like an eighteen year old once again. It'll make so much difference it's bloody brilliant!". The man said "Well, can I get it over the counter?" The pensioner replied, "Yes you can if you take two tablets".


A man went abroad for two months to do some work overseas. Upon his return he finds his wife is pregnant, and one of the local tells him down the pub "it's a grudge pregnancy - somebody had it in for you".


The three wize men went to bethlehem to see the baby Jesus. They bought him frankensense and mir. Upon arrival Mary greeted them at the door and she said to the wize men "Now keep the noise down and show a little respect, we have a baby child in here. Don't go shouting when you first walk in". The first wize man went inside and stepped on a garden rake, which then flew up and slapped him right in the face. In a huge amount of pain the wise man then shouted "Jesus Christ !". Mary replied, "What a lovely name, we were going to call him Albert".


A man takes a job as a lorry driver. He says to his mate down the pub, "I'm working as a delivery driver, delivering potatoes to London. I start on Monday, but how do I get to London ?". His mate replies, "Well, the best thing to do is get up to Exeter, keep on that road and on the 303, drive for about four and a half hours, and when you come to a big place, that will be London". He thanked his mate for the directions, and set off to work the following morning. That morning, he jumped in the lorry and loaded up the potatoes in Newland, followed the 303 for four and a half hours, then he come up to a big built up area, so he thought to himself this must be London. The lorry driver then drove down the street and saw a woman and asks her "Is this London?". The woman replied "Yes, you are in the middle of London". The lorry driver then said to the woman "Well where do you want these bloody potatoes?"


Two builders are working on a building site. The boss says to his two workers "It's Friday afternoon, so I'm going home for the rest of the afternoon. You boys finish about five as usual, I'll see you again Monday morning". The two men are left to continue the building work. Shortly after the boss leaves, the man says to the other man "Look mate, your recently married, why don't you go home early and spend some time with your new wife, and let me finish up here". The other builder thanks his mate and off he goes home to spend the rest of the Afternoon with his lovely new wife.

Monday morning approaches and both the men are back at work on the building site as usual. The man to says to the other builder, you know I left early on Friday as you suggested so I could spend some time with my wife, well, when I got home I found the boss all over my new wife in my bed !". The builder says, what are you going to do? The man replies "I don't know".

Four days later and it is Friday afternoon yet again, and as usual the boss says to his two builders "I am leaving early". I'll see you boys back here on Monday morning". The builders bid fairwell to the boss and continue their work.

Shortly after the boss has left the building site in his car, the man says to the other builder "Are you going to sneak back home to see if the boss is knocking off your wife again?".

The builder says to his mate "No, I nearly got caught last week".


What's the difference between the family inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.


A man telephones his mate. He says to his mate, "I need some advice, I telephoned the newspaper as I want to place an advert in the newspaper for a ladder for sell, and it's a pound an inch, and I got a forty foot ladder for sale !"


A man says to his mate in the pub "I've got now the latest microwave open fireplace. You can sit beside the fireplace all night, in ten minutes".


A man went to Plymouth last week and he took a prostertute back and she was bloody rough and she started to strip off! She had an ass hanging out the back like a troll, and when she took her bra off all the wrinkles fell out of her face, with pigtails under her arms.

A fish then fell out of her knickers, and the man said "What's a lovely plaice' like you doing in a woman like this?"


A man is shopping in Tesco's, when he inspects the trolly contents of the woman's trolly who is in front of him at the checkout. There was a packet of brillo pads, a tin of kitekat, a pound of bacon, two packets of persil, and half a pound of lamb cutlets. The women notices the man looking in her shopping trolly at her groceries. The man then says to the woman "You must be a single woman". The woman replied to the man, "Well, how do you know by the contents of my shopping trolly?". The man then replied "Because your fat, your ugly and you bloody stink!"


A man walks into his local pub, and accidently kicks a midget. The man apologies to the midget, and says to the midget "I am awfully sorry, but I did not see you down there".

The midget replied "It happens all the time, I'm only two foot eight". The man still feeling sorry for accidently kicking the midget says "Look mate, at least let me buy you a pint." The midget accepts the mans offer, and the man sits him onto the bar stool and then buys him a pint. "Here you go mate" the man says to the midget, "that pints on me". The midget then thanks the man.

The man then asks the midget, "Well what do you do?". The midget replies "I work in the circus. We are a circus family. I've been in the circus all my life and my wife works for the circus as well. My wife should be here in a miniute". Five minutes later the midgets wife walks into the bar. She is 24 stone, with a full beard and a mostache.

The man asks the midgets wife, "So you work in the circus as well?". The midgets wife replies, "Yes, we are a circus family. I've been in the circus all my life it's are wedding aniversary!". The man then says "Congratulations, I'll buy you a drink as well!". The midgets wife then says to the man "More good news we are having a baby!". The man asks "What do you both want a woman or a girl?"

The midgets wife says "We are not really fussy as long as it will fit in the cannon".


There were two palestinans in the pub. One asks the other "How old is your eldest son now?". The other palestinan replies "He's now eighteen and he's going to be a suicide bomber!". The other man replies, "Yeah, they blow up so early these days"...


The man found in the ground in Iraq believed to of been Saddam Hussein has been proven not to of been so. It was the gunners lake 1948 hide and seek champion.


A man's wife returns home to notice he is busy swatting flies with his fly swatter. The wife asks him "What are you doing?". The man replied to his wife "I am swatting flies. I've killed five - three males and two females".

The wife then says to her husband, "well how do you know?". The husbands replies "Three of them was on a empty beer can and two were on the telephone".


A man went to the marriage guidance councillor, because he and his wife were not getting on at all. The guidance councillor asked the couple a final question at the end of their councilling session by asking the man and his wife "Have you and your wife got anything else in common whatsoever?".

The man replied "Yes, neither of us suck c*cks".


A man went onto the television game show "Who wants to be a millionaire". Chris Tarrant said to the contestant "You are now on £500,000 pounds. The million pound question is: Who was the great trainrobber?".

"A: Ronnie Barker"
"B: Ronnie 'O Sullivan"
"C: Ronnie Biggs"
"D: Ronnie Corbet"

The contestant said "I will take the money". Chris Tarrant replies "But you still have three life lines you fool!" The contenstant explains "I do not care I will take the money!". Chris Tarrant then asks the contentant "Is that your final answer?" The contestant replies "Yes, that is my final answer". Chris then says "I will tell you what the answer to the £1,000,000 question was". The contestant replies to Chris Tarrant "I know what the answer was!". Chris then begins to get angry and tells the contestant "If you knew the bloody answer, then why didn't you say it!" The contestant replies, "I am not grassing on anybody!".


A man was in a restraunt eating his meal and he dropped his spoon on the floor. The waiter immediately came over and gave the man a spoon from his top pocket. The customer then scratched his head, and asked the waiter "Why have you just given me a spoon?"

The waiter replied "Our restraunt did a time in motion study via a consultancy firm from London. We worked out that most people who drop eating utencils will normally drop a spoon in a restraunt. In fact 75% of what customers accidently drop onto the floor are spoons. So we can improve our effiency, all of us waiters now carry a spoon in our top pocket. We worked it out it is saving an hour and twenty five minutes a week of not having to go back to the kitchen to get the customer another spoon.

The customer replied to the waiter "That's fantastic". The waiter then turned around and was about to walk off to another table, when the customer called the same waiter again and asked "By the way, why is their a piece of binder twine tied to your fly front?". The waiter replied "It's the same company. This time they worked out when you go and take a piddle, you firstly take your john thomas out, then have your piddle, then you go to wash your hands. They worked out if you didn't need to wash your hands it would save three minutes per piddle. Now, three minutes per piddle multiplied by three wedges is 36 minutes per piddle per time and one per hour which is a collosal amount of time. What we do is we undo the flyfront, pull the john thomas out and you hold it up on a piece of string when we go for a piddle".

The customer replied to the waiter "That's brilliant! Now you can maximize your customer effiency! But.. how do you get your john thomas back in your flyfront?". The waiter replied "With a spoon!".


A man and his mate were enjoying a late night beverage, when the man says to his other mate, "Damn, I need to know what the time is, and I don't have a watch". His mate replied "I don't have a watch either and the clock battery has run flat in the dining room. His mate said in reply, "well, I need to know what time it is!"

His mate, then said "Not to worry, I'll show you how to tell the time in the middle of the night". He then proceeds to get a bloody great big gong about 4 foot across and smacks it with a rolling pin. His mate had never heard such an awful racket in all his life!

The woman across the street was then awoken by the awful noise and she opened the window and shouted "What the hell do you think your doing! It's 4:15am in the morning!"


A woman had a sales person knocking at her door selling washing machines. The woman says to the salesman, "Look my husband deals with the money side of things you will need to see him. He's working at the barn milking the cows". The man's wife then gives the saleman directions to the barn, and the salesman thanks her, and he walks to the barn to see her husband. Upon entering the barn the sales person talks to the husband regarding the washing machine he wishes to buy.

The husband who is very busy, is then greeted by the washing machines salesman. Then the wife's husband says to the salesman "Let me tell you a story "You see that cow over there, I went to milk her last week and she kicked me with her leg. So I took her leg and tied it to that beam up on the barn roof. I then got down to milk her again, and then she bloody kicked me with her other leg, so I tied up her other leg up on that beam. I then thought well, she can't kick me now! I then continued to milk her again and she flicked her shitty tail right in my face, so I tied her tail up to her horns. I then thought I would have a piddle before continuing to milk her, and just as I was zipping up my fly front my wife walks in. Now if you can convince her I was not going to roger that cow, then I'll buy the washing machine".


A man came into the bar, he said "I'm bloody bonkers I need help and I've been to see the psychiastrist". His mate said, "Well, what's the problem, maybe I can help?". The man replied "Well, when I'm in the bed, I want to be underneath the bed, and when I'm underneath the bed, I want to be on top the bed, and when I'm on the bed, I want to be underneath the bed. I've been going for twelve months..."

His mate replied "Well, why don't you just cut the legs off the bed?"


A man said to his mate at the pub, "My wife was a right cow. She divorced me last year, but I'll certainly say she was the best house keeper this country has ever seen... She kept the house and all my bloody funiture!".


A man was driving in the car with his wife, when his wife suddenly said "I'm leaving you". The husband then put his foot on the accelerator and got up to about 60 mph. His wife continued... "I am having the house". The husband then got more angry and put his foot on the accelerator again and got up to 70mph. His wife continued..."I am having the stable and all the horses and the villa in Spain, I'm having all your your cars and all the children I am having custody of. I'm even going to have the hedge hog which hibernates in the garden". The wife then asks her husband "Well what do you want?"

The husband replied "I know what I want... I'm driving at 120mph. About a mile ahead their is an iron bridge, and their is only one airbag in this car and it's on my side!".


President Bush pays a visit to a local primary school. Mr Bush walks into the assembly hall. The teacher anounnces "Please put your hands together for the president of the United States Mr George Bush!". There is a huge applause and in walks Mr Bush into the assembly hall accompanied by his security guards.

Mr Bush then asks the primary school pupils "If there is anyone here who would like to ask me a question, I am more than glad to answer it".

All the kids raise their hands, and Mr Bush picks a kid from the back row. Mr Bush asks the kid "What your name?". The kid replies "My name is Billy". Mr Bush says "Hello Billy, and what is your question?"

Billy then says "I got two questions for you Mr Bush, firstly why are you president of the United States when Mr Gore had more votes than you did, and where is Bin Laden?"

Before Mr Bush had chance to answer Billy's question the school bell went, and then everyone went off for their school dinner.

After the school dinner, the pupils and Mr Bush returned to the school assembly hall and Mr Bush asks "Is their anyone else who would like to ask me a question?"

A small boy in the front row replied "Yes Mr President. Here are my four questions. Why is it that you are president of the United States, when Mr Gore had more votes, where is Bin Laden, why did the school bell go twenty minutes early today, and where is Billy?".


A man who has come to the theatre as a hypnotist comes on stage and says "I am a hypnotist, and I am going to hyponotise everyone in this theatre. Before we begin, is their anything you, the audience would like to ask?". A man in the audience then stands up and says "Yes I have a question. I think your talking b*llocks, you will never hypnotise all 1,500 people in this theatre! You will probably get about ten people up on stage, and send back four.". The hypnotist replied "No, I'm actually going to hyponotise everybody in the theatre". The man in the audience replied again "B*llocks, you'll never do it". The hypontist replied "I do this all the time! You watch me hypnotise everyone, you will of never seen anything like this in your life". On that note the man in the audience still remaining somewhat skeptical sat back down".

The hypnotist then took out a gold watch on a very old chain and said to the theatre audience "Watch this watch, you are going deeper, your going even deeper. Then the whole theatre was hypnotised. On that note, the bloody chain broke on the watch and the hypnotist said "oh.. Sh*t!"


A man goes to watch the World Rugby in Australia. Due to a lack of seats in the stadium, the man is forced to stand up and watch the game for the first half, then a very nice elderly Australian man says "Oy mate, their is a spare seat here". The man said in reply to the Australian man then says "thanks - it must be the only spare seat in the entire stadium!". The Australian man continued... "This spare seat I did buy for my wife, we were very, very close and we loved one another very very much. Very sadly she passed away. She loved her rugby, we were devoted all those years, and she would never ever miss her rugby and she came every single year". At this point the Australian man is close to tears. The man then replies to the Australian "I am very, very sorry to hear of your wife's passing, but haven't you got a son or daughter who would of liked to of been here? The australian man replied "They are at the funeral".


A man's wife is having a baby delivered and she is spread eagle with her legs in the air. All of a sudden a big black bushy head popped out, the doctor then asked the woman "Have you ever been with a black man?". The woman replied "Yes, but only once". The doctor said "Well, madam that's all it takes". The woman said christ, I need a rest.

Then all of a sudden the babies back came out and that was yellow. The doctor then asked the woman "Have you ever been with a Chinese man?". The woman replied "Yes, but only once". The doctor said "Well, that's all it takes".

At that point the babies legs popped out and they were a thorny brown. The doctor than asked the woman "Have you ever been with a Pakistani?". The woman replied "Well, yes but only once". The doctor said "Well, that's all it takes".

At that point, the doctor slapped the babies arse, and the doctor said "Well at least it doesn't bark".


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