Aliens are amist in the Labour party, the webmaster reveals the hidden truth. I am hereby accompanied by 'Matt Lucas' of the Little Britain television series, and well known 'Shooting Stars' celebrity, George Doors. George Doors shall be presenting the scores for each Labour candidate on his marvelous drum kit, and deciding their fate.
John PrescottJohn Prescott's main skills are his natural facial simularity to a Bulldog. For now it can be revealed. John can be seen on the television advertisement for Churchill car insurance. He can also be seen on the back of car parcel shelves as those silly nodding dogs which you will often see on a Sunday afternoon's drive when you become stuck behind some daft pensioner who insists in driving at 2mph in a 30mph zone.
If any of you have watched some of the Sunday morning politics shows, you may recall seeing a clip of Prescott attempting to dance at some disco. John Prescott is in fact a bit of a John Travolta who likes to aquaint the dance floor, only rather than performing some cool dance moves, he dances like a "bell end" and performs the 'mincing waltz' like some rectal procedure has been performed on his botty. Yibble, Yibble.
Further analysis of this televison clip of Mr Prescott's disco techniques, reveals his other great dance moves which include a side-to-side 'rocking' head motion, which again confirms he is indeed that same nodding dog from the Churchill car insurance advert.
Some may say Prescott's bark is worse than his bite, but his limp punch is worse than his bark. He likes to play fisticuffs with demonstrators who throw eggs at him. Only he punches like a girl. He might as well of hit that protester with Lilly Savage's "liverpudlian handbag". Click this link to see Prescott's limp punching technique.
When John Prescott is not strutting 'the mincing waltz', or sitting on car parcel shelves, he often participates in a popular past time that is practiced in the West coast of England. This sport is known as "Gurning". It involves contorting ones facial muscles to the point of extreme uglyness. Prescott often demonstrates such gurning talents in performing his impersonations of the late Les Dawson whilst sitting with other Labour MP's in the house of commons.
Most of the time this fatty just sleeps off the previous night of crap dance moves and booze, by falling asleep in the commons. His favourite name is "two jags, and a packet of crisps". His favourite phrase is "Ohhh, yes!", which is John's reply when the backbenchers ask him "Did you eat all the pies John?".
I now hand you over to George Doors on the drum kit, for he is the man with the scores. What's the score's George Doors?"Bah, the score is crap. Your sentence Prescott is to continue starring as the bulldog in the Churchill car insurance ads, and to eat pedegree chum dog food for the rest of your living days. You are also found for dodging council tax payments on one of your properties, and participating in hanky panky with your own secretary [the poor girl]."
In the light of cheating on his wife Pauline with his female secretary, here is a Prescott joke:
Q) What does John Prescott and an MFI flatpack have in common?
A) A couple of screws and the whole cabinet falls apart...
Home secretary numero two. Prior to this idiot becoming home secretary, the post was held by David Blunket - he was sacked too !Despite looking rather like the large Bungle Bear from a children television show called 'Rainbow' that was screened on British Television sets in the early 1980's, how can a Home Secretary be taken seriously when you have ears like that? Charles Clarke in a previous life was a toby jug; for now it can be revealed. If you cut off Mr Clarke's head with a gillotean, and bore out his skull, it will make the ideal decorative toby jug for your mantle piece which could also be used as a drinking vessel. Only such a hideous object would look so ridiculous: you would have the strong urge to use his ears like elastic bands and fire his head through a catapult. Piinnnggg !
When Charles Clarke is not impersonating a toby jug or looking like Bungle Bear (as depicted to the rightmost of this paragraph), his pastimes include playing with plastic lego toys, which include his 'plastic policeman' or 'community support officer' we see now patroling Britain's streets, who are also known as 'Sooty' and 'Sweep' and are puppetered by the late Ronny Corbet. Ronny is also known as the 'CSO' (Charles' Sooty operator).
On an end note, the simularity between Charles Clarke and Bungle Bear from the British 1980's children's television show called "Rainbow" is indeed uncanny. What sets them apart however, is not in their looks, but their intelligence. Bungle (rightmost of the above paragraph) had an IQ of 125... whatsmore, 'Bungle' did not play with plastic toys known as "the CSO" or "Plastic police", because he was far more intelligent, because "Bungle" himself knew he could have more fun with Jane's valuable assets [oo-er misses] than playing with the plastic police from his lego set.
It's for this fact that Charles Clarke (above) is to be remembered as being a right Charlie! The webmaster hereby recommends the Laurel and Hardy theme tune the next time his plastic police next visit your community, for when they get into trouble they can be heard shouting "That's another fine mess you got me into", before they reach for their radio's to call the "real" police... by which time the criminals are long off skipping into the night [much like the Morecombe and Wise strut you would see at the end of their commedy act].
Charles Clarke was recently sacked for failing to deport 1,023 dangerous illegal immigrants which included violent criminals, murders and rapists. Many of which are now on Britain's streets and have since reoffended. That is no laughing matter...
I now hand you over to George Doors on the drum kit, for he is the man with the scores. What's the score's George Doors?"Bah, the score is utter crap. Your punishment Clarkey is to return to the children's television show and to continue being Bungle Bear".
Margret was part of a secret experment. She is in fact the living dead. She starred as a zombie in the movie "Return of The Living Dead Part 2". In this movie, scientists produce a green gas which, when it comes into contact with the dead, brings them back to life. The downside is that although this green gas brings the individual back to the life of the living, they are effectively the living dead, and shall walk the earth for all eternity. There means of survival soon become apparent; they later obtain a taste for people's craniels and wish to eat their brains. This hunger manifests itself to the point that the zombie wishes to eat human brains every second of the day, for the entirety of it's living life. It is why Margret can often be heard shouting "Brains, Brains" everytime she feels a bit pekish during the Labour conference. At that point, there is no point chucking her a Mars bar...
The only way back bench MP's can stop Margret eating their brains is by wearing crash helmets on their heads to protect their craniels. Not that Margret could eat a Labour back benchers brain, because they do not possess such a commodity. Prior to joining the commons, Margrett also starred as 'Skeletor' from the 1980's children's cartoon "He-Man". They just glued a wig on her, painted her up a bit, and propped her up courtesy of some cellotape. She also can be seen on the Antiques Roadshow, but not as a visitor.
I now hand you over to George Doors on the drum kit, for he is the man with the scores. What's the score's George Doors?"Webmaster, contestant three has done no better for the scores are still crap. Margret, you are hereby banished from your Labour seat. You are to return to your previous existance as the film extra from 'Return of The Living Dead Part 2'. You shall also be denied access to people craniels, because you try to eat their brains!"
George Doors hammers his drum kit in pure delight...
Tony BlairMr Blair was part of early movie anamatronics. In the first Terminator movie he looks and acts so false (watch the first Terminator movie when he looks in the mirror).
A secondary design to the Blair cyborg caused a malfunction in the T101 design, which meant Blair's battery life was limited to a few hours, because his inner vocablary became stuck on the words "weapons of mass distruction and 45 minutes" which drained his internal battery. Maybe they should of used long life Duracell batteries, as they then could of used the drumming bunny as their party embelem.
Labour will be beating their own drum at the next election, to the musical tastes and dillusions of the Loony tunes theme which has aquainted the Warner Brothers cartoons of the past 40 years.
Just like in both Terminator movies, Tony Blair was destined to seek out and destroy John Conner, but instead muttered "I'll con ya!". For con you he certainly did with surrendering the EU rebate and also giving away billions to the European Union !
I now hand you over to George Doors on the drum kit, for he is the slaphead with the scores. What the score's George Doors?"Contestant four has done no better, for he and his scores are crap. He is about as useful as a wet kipper, not even his cyborg parts can be recycled. Tony Blair, you are hereby condemed to have your cyborg parts returned to Cyberdyne systems and to be destroyed".
Gordon BrownGordon is a decendent of the T101 terminator design of early movie anamatronics (see "Tony Blair" above), but a much improved model, called the T1000. They managed to fix in this secondary design the poor battery life, and the Max Headroom 'stammer' effect which was present in the Blair prototype (also above), but a mechanical defect ensures Gordon's jaw often comes lose in mid sentence, which is often why you see Gordy performing a strange retraction of the lower jaw whilst in mid-sentence. This is best demonstrated by John Culshaw's impersonation of Mr Brown on the TV show "Dead Ringers".
Cyberdyne systems have run out of spare nuts and bolts to fix the jaw problem. As a consequence, his microprocessor has gone haywire and Gordy has lost his nuts and bolts.
Don't feel to sorry for Gordy; he steals five billion a year from the pensions funds which he robbed from every UK citizen. He then extends the retirement age so he can restack your money he just robbed. Don't bother: live in carboard city somewhere when you need to retire. Your comfort will not be a warm bed, but a cardboard box and the alcoholic beverage of White Lightning cider to numb your thoughts.
"George Doors please present the scores for Gordon Brown...""Gordon Brown's scores leave alot to be desired webmaster, he is guilty of thiefing the company pensions pot. Gordon Brown, you are hereby sentenced to be meet the same peril as Mr Blair. Your T1000 cyborg parts shall be transported and melted down at the nearest iron foundry".
George Doors has just bought to the webmasters attention, that I did indeed miss out a missing score from Gordon Brown's score box for his 'Useless Factor'. "Thanks for mentioning that George, but this was not intentional; the webmaster simply did not have an extra score box to include the summary for Gordon's 'Uselessness factor'. So, just to correct this, his 'Useless factor' rating is': 10 points". Yes, 10 crap points for crapness".
David BlunketEx-home secretary.
Blunket's dismissal was due to his "VITAL BED DUNKING", which also happens to be an anagram of his name. Poor old David got caught by the media with a married woman called "Kimberly Quinn". Blunket also failed to declare earnings outside of being a member of parlament. Thirdly, he also had shares in some DNA company. But why would anyone want Blunkett's DNA ? It's beyond comprehension. Maybe the greys want his DNA to produce a genetic Blunket hybrid. If so, god help us all.
NEWSFLASH! The webmaster has gone undercover to obtain some secret photographs of the Blunket genetically modified hybrid which was recovered from the Roswell UFO crash site (see top left)... Their eyes still roll like marbles too.
Blunket's favourite song is "I can't get no satisfaction" courtesy of those grandady's of rock "The Rolling Stones".
Over to the man on the drums, for he is George doors with the scores. Please deliver the scores for David Blunket..."Webmaster, Blunket has been a naughty boy. Kimberly Quinn will not be spanking Blunket's botty tonight, and certainly not even this side of the next millenium. Blunket, you are hereby sentenced for deception, and for bad bedroom habits. You are also banned from listening to the "Rolling Stones", because you never will find "satisfaction".
George doors slams his kickdrum in utter delight, for Kimberly shall be spanking his botty tonight!
|John Prescott||David Blunket||Charles Clarke||Margret Beckett||Tony Blair||Gordon Brown|